I have never really felt like I fulfill any role entirely. Being a daughter, sister, student, teacher, friend, partner or mama, on a fully comfortable level has always seemed just out of my grasp. That is not a statement made to garner pity, but rather one to offer solidarity.
After all, I am one hundred percent certain I am not alone in having these feelings. Hear me out. I am not saying I don’t enjoy these roles, that I don’t put effort into them, that I don’t value them, recognize them for the gifts that they are or appreciate the ability to play them.
Hidden in Self
I love all of my titles. I genuinely do. I am supported, valued respected and appreciated in each of them. And yet I often feel as though I live them through a filter. It’s as if who I am, views life through the shadow of who I want to be.
This has typically created an emptiness and caused a sense of frustration and insecurity. Recently however, I have been able to give this aura a visual, verbal and now written value. In doing so, I have found that the emptiness is slowly being replaced by curiosity and the insecurity has evolved into motivation.
Emerging Acceptance
As the filter dissolves, the shadow becomes a friendly challenge sauntering along side, rather than a rivaled adversary demanding confrontation. There is a desire to explore the origin of the long-standing vail, separating the me that currently is, from the me that I long to see and experience.
For me, learning to find value from both sides of the vail has been both necessary and liberating. Becoming who I desire is dependent upon accepting and understanding who I currently am. The struggle becomes the strength as I accept and acknowledge the undesired aspects of me as a platform to build upon.
May the journey be shadowed in blessings.
